It is just past 3 in the morning and I’ve been laying awake in my bed for over an hour now. Evelyn woke up at 2, wanting to eat. She nursed for about 10 minutes before she was too exhausted to continue. And, though exhausted myself, I just can’t shut my mind off.
A few weeks ago at church, my friend Carrie spoke in Sacrament meeting. She based her talk on one given in General Conference by President Uchdorf, entitled “Of Things That Matter Most.” I guess that is what I’ve been thinking about for the last hour- what matters most. Carrie said she has something on her fridge that says “If you are too busy for family home evening, you are busier than the Lord ever intended you to be.” She went on to apply that to a other things we do- “If you are too busy to have family dinners…” “If you are too busy to go visiting teaching…” etc.
Business. I’m feeling too busied.
I mentioned before that I’m struggling with Russian this semester. Last semester was hard (being very pregnant and all) but I scraped by and managed to keep my 4.0 GPA. Things aren’t looking so good this time around. If I manage to pass my classes it will be due to the mercy of my professor rather than any progress on my part. I started out alright, but as each day passes I need to be learning new vocabulary words, and they just aren’t sticking. The amount I’m not understanding is compounding. I feel like I’m losing a race with a monster who is growing larger and faster every day.
My reflections tonight are on the future. What about next semester? We will be learning a new case soon, and working on plurals. I’m not sure that I can do it. I feel incompetent… stupid… feelings I’m not used to. I want my Bachelor’s degree so badly. I remember as a kid thinking that my Dad wasn’t very smart because he didn’t get his degree. I recognize now that that isn’t the case, and that instead it was about his priorities and preferences, but is it silly that I don’t want my kids to think that way of me? My parents in-law both got degrees with small kids, why am I struggling so much with only one subject and one tiny little girl? I feel insufficient that others can do something I cannot.
And yet, I recognize something else. My priorities, like my Dad’s were, are somewhere else. I’m a Mom now. I’m not willing to send my child to daycare while I study and go to class, because that is not my priority right now. Perhaps if I were further along, if graduation was in the foreseeable future, then I might consider that. I want to be with Evelyn every minute, to talk to her and play with her and watch her grow and comfort her.
Right now I’m starting to wallow in the stress of my Russian struggles. That stress is starting to make me irritable with my family. I recognize now that I’ve been subconsciously adding more and more to my proverbial plate- adding more stress in order to try and push the Russian stress out. I can’t do everything, and I certainly can’t do everything well.
If I’m too busy to be a happy, loving, doting Mom, then I am busier than the Lord ever intended me to be.
So, maybe school and I are done for awhile. I can push myself and do my best to make it through my exams in the next 2 weeks, but maybe that is as far as I can push myself. Maybe that is as far as I need to. Perhaps I’m not going to be the linguist I wanted to be.
I’m willing to put that aside to become the Mom I want to be.